


No Talking Over the DM

by logxnsworld



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: (not too much tho), Characters play D&D, Cussing, Gen, Inspired By Tumblr, Stuttering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 05:16:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17912699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/logxnsworld/pseuds/logxnsworld
Summary: In an alternate universe, The Umbrella Academy TV show is just a bunch of very weird high schoolers playing D&D.





	No Talking Over the DM

**Author's Note:**

> Quick character summaries:  
> Ben, a senior, is the dungeon master (the narrator, essentially) and plays various side characters, like Leonard, Dave, Ben, Reginald, etc. Luke plays Luther and is a senior football player who is dating Allison’s player, Aubrey. Aubrey is a senior and a cheerleader. They didn’t know that they were gonna be siblings, so they set up a romantic relationship and Ben refuses to let them change anything. Finn, Five’s player, is Luke’s freshman brother. Nate, Klaus’ player, is a junior and a very pansexual stoner. Diego, a very uncreative player of Diego, is a bisexual senior and newer to D&D. This is his first session. Simone, Vanya’s player, is a nerdy lesbian junior and a proud Jewish gal.

“The year is 1989. 43 children are born to mothers, who, before birth, were not pregnant at all. Sir Reginald Hargreeves, a very peculiar fellow with a stick five feet long up his ass- What?”

 

Ben’s opening monologue of the campaign is interrupted by Nate’s obnoxious laughter. 

 

“Sorry!” Nate said with a grin, looking not sorry at all. “It’s just- a five-foot-long stick? In his ass?”

 

Ben glared and gestured at the whiteboard that served as the rule board. “Rule number 3, Nate.”

 

_ No talking while the DM is talking. _

 

Nate let out a little giggle. “Sorry, continue.”

 

Ben sighed. “Anyways, Hargreeves sets out to adopt these incredible children. He manages to find only seven. He takes them in, numbers them according to their level of importance, and trains them in what is known as… the Umbrella Academy. These children soon after discover that they have powers, and at age 13, are introduced to the public as a crime-fighting group.”

 

“13-year-olds are the worst,” Finn grumbled.

 

“Finn, you’re 14,” Luke said with a frown.

 

“I know what I said.”

 

“We meet number one first. Luke?” Ben asked, looking for a way to get back on track.

 

“Okay. So, my character’s name is Luther. He’s tall, and inhumanly buff,” Luke began. “His head looks sort of small on his body, and he’s currently got a beard. His hair is blonde, and he has blue eyes. His superpower is strength. Oh, and he’s on the moon.”

 

“What the fuck?” Nate began to ask a question, but Ben quickly derailed it.

 

“Diego! Our number two!”

 

“Um, his name is Diego… He can throw knives really well, I guess? He never mi-isses. They can, like, curv-ve and shit. He’s a vigilante. I guess he looks like me, just, just… older?”

 

Ben gave Diego a reassuring grin, and turned to Aubrey. “Aubrey, our number 3?”

 

Aubrey flipped her hair and grinned. “Well, my character’s name is Allison. She’s tall, curvy, and a powerful black woman like me. Her hair’s bleached blonde and her powers are persuasion. She has to say “I heard a rumor,” and then whatever she want to happen, and it’ll happen!”

 

Ben nodded, and then looked to Nate. “Our number four. Nate?”

 

Nate grinned, and rubbed his hands together. “Prepare yourselves, bitches, for the one and only Klaus! He’s got the power to speak to the dead, but the catch is he’s been scared of ghost since he was a kid, and he turned to drugs because they dampen his powers, and they drown out the voices of the ghosts.”

 

The table was silenced. 

 

“Jesus christ, Nate,” Diego groaned. “What the fuck goes on in your brain?”

 

“No clue!” Nate grinned.

 

“Okay, moving on,” Ben interrupted. “Our number seven; Simone.”

 

“Okay, so number seven is Vanya,” Simone said calmly. “She’s a violin prodigy, and she is the only one of the seven that’s normal.”

 

“Great! Continuing on-”

 

“Wait, what about Finn? Numbers five and six?” Luke complained.

 

“You’ll see,” Ben grinned. 

 

Finn smirked. “This is already infinitely more interesting than any of the stupid campaigns my other friends quote-unquote “my age” have come up with.”

 

* * *

 

“So I have his urn now?” Nate asked.

 

“Yes,” Ben replied. 

 

Nate grinned wickedly, and Luke immediately spoke up. 

 

“I take the urn, and bring it outside so we can have a funeral,” Luke said.

 

Nate pouted. “No fair!”

 

Ben nodded. “Okay, you take the urn and lead everyone, including Grace and Pogo, outside. Where do you want to go?”

 

Luke paused, thinking. “Where is there to go?”

 

“Well, there’s a courtyard, and considering this mansion is in New York, that’s probably as “outside” as you’re gonna get.”

 

Luke nodded. “To the courtyard, then!”

 

Ben smirked. “You walk out to the courtyard. It’s made of a square concrete pathway, with a square of dirt and leaves within that pathway. In the farthest corner from the entrance is a currently bare tree, and in the left corner closest to the entrance is a pedestal with a metal statue on top of it.”

 

The others glance around suspiciously. 

 

“Fine, I’ll stab a guess,” Nate sighed. “What does the pedestal say? Who’s the statue of?”

 

“The plaque on the pedestal reads the following: ‘Ben Hargreeves. October 1, 1989- April 15, 2007. May the darkness within you find peace in the light.’”

 

The others are quiet.

 

“What the fuck?” Nate asked after a few moments. “This kid died when he was, what? 16?”

 

Ben nodded. “Number six, known to the public as ‘The Horror.’”

 

Diego snickered awkwardly, attempting to lighten the mood. “I would not enjoy my life if people knew me as that.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Suddenly, lightning and thunder surround the mansion!” Ben yelled.

 

“I go outside!” Luke yelled back.

 

“So do I!” Aubrey and Diego yelled at the same time.

 

“I follow,” Simone said, looking trepidatious. 

 

“I grab a fire extinguisher!” Nate yelled. 

 

“Are you actually on something right now?” Finn asked.

 

“No, but Klaus is!” Nate grinned.

 

Ben sighed. “Okay, Luther, Allison, Diego, and Vanya all go outside to investigate as Klaus grabs a fucking fire extinguisher. Outside, you guys find a circular, floating thing that is glowing blue, and seems to be emitting blue smoke.”

 

“Would I know what it is?” Luke asked. 

 

“Maybe,” Ben said unhelpfully. “Roll an intelligence check.”

 

Luke sighed, picked up his d20, and rolled. The die clacked on the table, and Luke groaned. “13.” 

 

Ben nodded, and a die clacked on the table behind his DM boards. “You have two guesses: It’s either a mini black hole, or a temporal anomaly.”

 

Diego snorted. “How the fuck is that supposed to help? There’s a big difference between the two, dude.”

 

Nate suddenly yelled, “I run outside with the fire extinguisher! I yell ‘Get out of the way!’ and try to spray at it, and then I just chuck it.”

 

Ben frowned. “How the hell did you- never-mind. You chuck it, and it’s sucked into the thing.”

 

“How’s that supposed to help?” Aubrey asked.

 

“Do you have a better idea?” Nate asked.

 

“Suddenly,” Ben interrupted, “The thunder gets worse, and it seems as though someone’s trying to get through it! After a few moments, a small boy pushes through the blue mass, and it disappears behind him. Finn?”

 

Finn grinned wickedly. “Everyone, meet Number Five, also known as Five. He has the power to go through time, and as you’ve heard, has been missing for 17 years. The catch; he still looks 13.”

 

The others are silent before they start to yell at Ben.

 

Ben grimaced. “I guess this as good of a time as any to say that this session is over?”


End file.
